paying attention part 12: Mama's gonna have your back. Always.

Mama's got your back.

I just did something I promised myself I wouldn't. I organized my son's high school notebook.

I couldn't help myself. It's high school. Everything counts now. It matters. Letting him start high school unorganized feels completely wrong.

As a parent I promised myself that I will never do something for my sons that they can do for themselves. Has that always been easy? Nope. It drives me nuts how they put away their clean laundry, how they load the dishwasher, how they make their beds and "clean" their rooms, but I let them do it. Because that's my job. To let them do it.

So if he can do all of that, can't he can organize his school folders and paperwork all by himself? I mean, come on. He's a Freshman in high school for goodness sake. Surely he can organize his own damn folders.

Except that he can't. Sometimes my son's ADHD rears it's ugly head. Like it's waving at us, desperate to get our attention saying, "Hello! I'm still here and I'm never leaving!" And when that happens, all I really want to do is give it the finger and leave the room. But unfortunately that's not a option.

After being diagnosed after the third grade, we tried three different types of ADHD medication over almost a two year period. Although the medication helped him in some areas, the negative effects of the medication weren't worth the small benefits. We took him off of the meds and he as done very well without them. He has learned to compensate and for the last three years has been an excellent student.

But there are moments. Reminders that oh yeah, our son has ADHD. He still gets very distracted. I can't speak to what he's like in class, but his grades have been great so we assume that he's paying attention in class. But when he gets home, distractions abound. I am constantly having to tell him to get off of YouTube, stop looking at your phone, etc., etc. His hand writing is terrible. And his organizational skills, well they drive me to drink.

Yes, that's right. It drives me nuts how disorganized my son can be. Bonkers. And I've shown him. I've shown him over and over again about how to use his planner and label his folders and how to keep the correct papers in the corresponding folders. Several times throughout the year I get to have to reorganize him. And he lets me because he knows that I need to do that for him.

Because here's the thing. He's disorganized. He might always be a little disorganized. He might drive his future wife bananas with how disorganized he is. But for now, I can help. I can help set him up. I can get out my trusted label maker and get all over his files and notebooks and spiral folders and I can organize the shit out of all of it.

There are things that matter and things that don't. How he puts away his laundry or loads the dishwasher or makes his bed doesn't really matter. If he can't find his Algebra homework because it's in his Spanish folder and ends up getting a zero, well that matters. And this Mama can't let that go. There's a lot of things I can let go. Lots of things that I have no problem letting my kids suffer through to learn their lesson. His disorganization isn't his fault, it's his ADHD's fault. He needs the extra help and Mama's gonna have his back. Always. Even as a Freshman in high school.

And yes, I will be giving his bride a label maker as a wedding present. She's gonna need it.

Click here for our son's ADHD journey.

paying attention part 11: so what would happen without medication?

I never planned on medicating my children. When I nursed them as babies and daydreamed about all of the wonderful milestones that lay ahead, learning how to successfully swallow their daily ADD medication wasn't one of them. So in April, almost two years after his initial ADD diagnosis, I decided to try something. I decided to take Bentley off his medication. I didn't tell anyone. I didn't even think that much about it. One morning Bentley looked at me and said, "I don't want to take my medication anymore." And without much thought I simply said, "Okay."

It wasn't hard because I had become more and more unhappy with medicating our son. I was tired of him being in such a bad mood every afternoon. He would get into the car after school agitated and irritable. It's hard enough being a preteen, and it's even harder being a preteen with medication making it worse. And that was what it seemed to be doing; making things worse.

When your child is diagnosed with ADD/ADHD, you know that one of the first decisions that you are going to have to make is whether or not to medicate your child. Soon after Bentley's diagnosis I joined several parent chat rooms on reputable ADD/ADHD websites. I needed to hear what other parents thought. I needed to read about their concerns, their fears, their worries about medicating their children. The Golfer and I struggled with what to do: weighing the side effects and the negatives with the benefits and the positives. Finally we landed on the best decision we could given what we believed and what we had quickly learned. Isn't that what we do as parents? Try to make the best decision we can in the moment based on the information we have at the time?

Three different types of medications and one antidepressant later, we were no longer sure if our original decision was the best decision. So, like I said, I sent him to school without medication to see what would happen. I didn't worry. I knew that even if it was for only one day there wouldn't be any permanent damage done. He could always hop back onto the pill popping wagon if he needed to. If all hell broke loose, I had a cabinet full of meds to solve the problem.

He got into the car that afternoon...different. He was happy. He talked about having a good day at school. He laughed and smiled and acted like a normal 11-year-old. I pulled his papers out of his bag. Everything looked normal. No bad grades. No notes from the teachers. I checked my email. Nothing from the school. He had made it through the day without medication and all was good.

So we tried it the next day. And the next. And the day after that. He was happy. He was eating. He was sleeping. He was still making good grades. He talked about friends. He played on the soccer team. He took his standardized test. He finished the school year with straight A's and a special award in Spanish. (Hola!) All without medication. And he was fine. He was better than fine. He was...normal.

What did this all mean then? Did his ADD suddenly disappear? Had we dreamed the last two years? Was he misdiagnosed? Unfortunately, no. His ADD symptoms were all still there. He was still distracted. He still had trouble focusing. He was still messy and had horrible handwriting. There was no question that he still had ADD, but he seemed to be coping successfully. Without medication.

And then we found out something. We found out that the Golfer might have ADD too.

Stay tuned...

paying attention part 10: limbo

Before taking my blogging hiatus, I had started to tell Bentley's story. In nine different posts I shared his diagnosis of ADHD-Inattentive, the struggle to find a doctor, our issues to medicate or not medicate, and the worst struggle of all: teaching him how to swallow a pill. (Yeah, I'm not kidding. That was the worst.)

We are now two years into his diagnosis and things are...good. Actually, they are really good. We ended up changing his medication one more time. Like many conditions that can be managed with medication, it takes a while to find which medication is best. Bentley is on his third medication, Concerta, and this one finally seems to be the right fit. There are still side effects, his lack of appetite and trouble falling asleep, but he started taking a second medication at night that helps with both of those. Wasn't our first choice to put him on not only one but two medications, but after trying it for a few weeks we noticed great improvements. Great improvements are hard to deny.

But medication isn't the only fix. We also met with a couple of therapists. After reading about the benefits of something called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) that works well in conjunction with medication, I went on the hunt for a therapist. This type of therapy works to help kids change the thought patterns that can keep them from staying on task and focusing. It also helps with other areas that kids with ADHD/ADD struggle with like time management and organization.

Much like my hunt for a doctor to diagnose him, finding a therapist wasn't as easy as I thought it was going to be. I would love nothing more than to help my son myself.  I wish that I could just read a few books and be able to help him focus, help him pay attention, stay on task, stay organized. But I can't. I am his parent, not his therapist.

The first therapist we found who claimed to treat kids with ADHD/ADD didn't even know what CBT was when I brought it up.

"Now, what is that exactly?" the therapist asked me during our first appointment.

"I read that CBT is one of the best therapies to help kids who have my son's diagnosis of ADHD-Inattentive," I replied. "And, well, you said that you worked with kids who had been diagnosed with ADHD/ADD."

"I'm just not familiar with that particular therapy." he said.

I have a problem with going to a professional where I know more about his field of study than he does.

"Actually," he said, "I think Bentley might have control issues. Does anyone else in your family have control issues?"

"Yes, well, me. Yep, I come from a long line of controllers. We're not controllers. We just want it the way we want it." I stopped talking and tried to force a laugh but it came out sounding manic, which is never good when you're sitting in a therapist's office.

I couldn't get out of his office fast enough.

Finding professionals in the fields of medicine and education that have been trained/educated about ADHD/ADD in children has been far from easy. This has shocked me more than anything else about Bentley's diagnosis. According to the CDC, nearly 1 in 10 kids has ADHD and that since 2007, 5.4 million children have been officially diagnosed. That's not a small number. In a school of 500 kids, there are at least 50 that have ADHD/ADD. That's a lot, people.

We eventually found a therapist who was familiar with CBT, had worked with kids with ADHD-Inattentive before, and was willing to work with our son. We met with her a few times and Bentley seemed to like her, mostly because she had a cool LEGO game in her office that he got to play with while he was there. After four or five meetings, she told me in not so few words that Bentley was good to go.

Really? That's it? Um, okay. Sigh. So much for that.

Did I try to find someone else? No. Bentley was about a month into the new school year and seemed to be doing fine. Better than fine:

• he was staying on task at school
• he was doing homework without being reminded
• he was no longer bringing home unfinished school work
• he liked school
• he wasn't a discipline problem
• he was making good grades
• he had friends
• he was happy

I mean, I have friends with kids without ADHD/ADD who don't have it so good.

Maybe our boy was getting better. Maybe that LEGO game did more for him than I realized.

more to come...

paying attention part 9: liking him more

So where were we...ah, yes.  The medication wasn't working.

It was summer break and with "break" being the operative word, we decided to do just that: take a break from medication.  We would be doing lots of traveling over the summer, and worrying about bad side effects during 4th of July fireworks just didn't sound like fun.  Could the Cheese still benefit from taking it?  Sure.  But being on vacation with a sullen, droopy child who could care less wasn't what we wanted.  So we traveled and enjoyed our summer, medication free.

But I also knew that the summer was probably a good time to test a new medication.  I could have home with me all day to actually see what he was like on his meds.  You see, most of the day when the meds are at their best, the Cheese is at school.  By the time he came home from school the meds had started to taper off.  Trying a new med during the summer was probably a good idea, so we did just that.

The doctor decided to have him try Addreall this time.  The Cheese has been on 5mg for the last month and life is lovely.  He can stay both focused and in a good mood at the same time.  His appetite lessens a little during lunch time, but not enough for concern and the sleeplessness is nonexistent.  Lovely indeed!

This might sound terrible coming out of my mouth, but here it goes: I'm starting to like my child more.

Those of you who have gone through this process can shake your head in agreement because you've been through the darkness that comes with being so incredibly frustrated with your child that you slowly, overtime, start to dislike your own child.  You love them--of course you love them!  That never, ever, ever stops.  But liking your child is totally different than loving your child.  Ever had a spouse that drives you crazy, frustrates you to no end?  And you find yourself thinking, "I love you, honey.  But right now I just don't like you."  Yeah, that can happen with your children too.

I went for a very long time being frustrated with the Cheese without explanation.  We didn't know that he had ADD.  All we knew was that we had a child who was suddenly not meeting his full potential at school, was forgetful, messy, and distracted, and all of these things were causing discipline problems, mostly because it caused us to butt heads with him every day, all day.  The fact that I was having to tell him at least 10 times every morning to go put on his socks was driving me insane.  I would drop him off at school after a crazy morning asking myself questions like, "What am I doing wrong?  Am I not communicating effectively?  Are we raising a defiant little jerk?"  No.  That simply couldn't be.  This was my good citizen.  My sweet boy that everyone always loved.

What was happening?

ADD was happening.

And now that we know that; now that he is effectively being treated, I like my child again.

So with the medication working for now (because heaven know that could change at any moment), it was time to focus on the other issues affectionately called co-morbids.

Doesn't that sound like fun?  Stay tuned.  "Next time on the Real Housewives of Children with ADD..."

paying attention part 8: never the exception

:: the Cheese's self-portrait as an astronaut ::

When they say that there's no such thing as a quick fix, they aren't kidding.  Not that I was expecting the Big Cheese to be a quick fix.  I knew better than to believe that simply giving him a pill would make everything okay.  I might have hoped that it would fix everything, but my luck has never been that good.

We were one month into taking 15mg of Foclin.  We had started with 5mg and increased to 10mg and finally landed on 15mg.  It seemed to be helping him.  We were pleased.  The doctor was pleased.  The reports from school were good.  He was able to stay on task, finish his work, stay in his seat, and pay attention.  Yes, he was finally able to pay attention.  It felt like we were moving forward and finally helping our son.

It was weird to me what a difference a little pill could make.  By the time he was on 10mg we noticed major differences in his school work.  His handwriting had drastically improved.  He suddenly passed 3 multiplication timed tests in one week.  His homework load went way down (little did we realized that the reason for so much homework was because he wasn't getting it done in class.)  It felt that we had given our bright, intelligent son the tools that he needed to succeed.

But.  (Isn't there always a but?)

He didn't seem...happy.  He just seemed sort of...blah.  Indifferent.  Sullen.  Sullen was the word that I used to describe him.  And on top of that, when his medication would start to wear off in the afternoon (he was on a time released capsule that would last about 8 hours) he would become very grumpy and irritated.  He was like me when I get tired or hungry or worse--both.

It seemed that we had traded one problem for another.  Sibling relationships can be hard enough when you are 6- and 9-years-old, but they can become right down disastrous when one of the brothers is coming down hard off his meds.  When I asked his teacher if she was seeing any differences in his personality now that he was on medication she replied, "He doesn't seem to be the playful puppy that he once was."

On top of the attitude and emotional issues, there was the appetite and sleeping problems.  Two very common side effects, the Big Cheese had them both in spades.  He would eat breakfast, but had no desire to eat any lunch, didn't want an after-school snack, and would barely eat dinner.  Around 9 o'clock, when he was supposed to be sleeping, he would come downstairs asking for something to eat.  We'd give him a little Melatonin, a bowl of Cheerios, and pray that he'd fall asleep before midnight.

Did I mention how much he didn't like taking his meds?  At first he did fine.  We talked about how much it would help him and he was cool with it.  But after a while he started to fight us on it.  Have you ever had to fight a kid to get him to take his medicine?  Was it a miserable experience for you?  Yeah, imagine having to do that every single morning.

Let's review.  Improvement in school work, paying attention, good.  Sullen, irritated, grumpy, not eating, not sleeping, bad.

So back to the doctor we went.  I knew from the many discussion boards concerning ADHD/ADD that I had started visiting that this was very common.  Difficulties in finding the exact mediation that would work for your child was the norm.  I had hoped that we would be the rare exception.

Life's never that easy.